Say it

Tell me how does it feel, to be scared. To be apprehensive, to not know, or worse, to know too clearly. When you are too scared that you behave passive, you don’t do anything directly about it. You freeze everything around yourself, you close your eyes and you so wish its not there. You just want the time to pass, because you know eventually it will as it has, all those times in the past. You are just standing there, eyes closed, waiting the tide to hit you, to take the impact, but you wont run away. You have made yourself believe it wont work, that it will happen anyway. May be it wont hit that hard, but you and only you know better. You spend your time and energy telling it to people who you know will against their will not back off and be patient enough to lend you an ear, and you ask them again and again what should you do, while not so deep inside you yourself know what is the best thing to be done. You know its yours to deal with, not theirs, but still you wish if it were otherwise. You ‘will’ be a victim, just so that you have a valid reason to be rescued, a valid reason to lament. You turn so pathetic that you wish to be a different person, an altogether different personality, some person whom you have known in past, you wish if you could be so robust like him or her. You wish if you could switch to an alter ego, someone who can take care of yourself and pull your life together, while you can hide behind him inside you, till you admit to believe that its over. Somehow a personality inside you which does what needs to be done, is not crippled by fear or apprehension, a bitch, a manager, a mom, a brother, a fun loving careless bastard, someone you could switch to temporarily….somewhere inside, and then be back again. You have read all those books, the secret, the Khera’s, the monk… the list goes on, wt the hell, you have read about it so much that you can write your own book on it for that matter. You know the theory, you know its all in the head, in next 5 minutes you can even pen down 10 steps for yourself to get out of this grip in the next 15 minutes, but you wont. You can’t, because you wont. Maybe you have grown fond of this inactivity. May be you have preference for this kind of face in this situation. Maybe its comfortable after all, it frees you of responsibility, frees you of the necessity of action, frees you of the attribution of the result, What is this now, amusing to you? What is the point here, that I can but I won’t? Do you find it comfortable, or may be you really aren’t that scared. You want it to come and be over with it, so that one day you can come back read this and say, that you were too scared. Say it. You are not scared. You just want it to happen, and fast.