Love me like you do

When I was a young girl, my parents would take me shopping.

The doting parents they are, they would take me to the best shops they could afford or were aware of. Mom would spend hours with me scanning the markets in Karol Bagh to buy clothes which would make me happy. Dad would always be ready to stretch his budget to get the best deal for me. In days where there were no metros/malls, and traveling distances wasn’t really a thing, they would spend weekends figuring out how to shop in Sarojini Nagar, Janpath, even Kamla Market and all the popular places they had heard young Delhi girls shop for the best deal.

And nothing.

After all the efforts they would put for my shopping, I would often return empty handed, tired, irritated, stressed and with nothing.

“Isko kuch pasand hi nhi aata”

“Pata nhi kya chahiye ise”

“Ladki ne paresan rakha hai, pata nhi kesi pasand hai”

Maybe something was wrong with me, maybe I was a painful child, I would wonder. Everyone else seems to be happy with their wardrobe and looking fine, why can’t I decide on something.

“Uncle ye teeshirt plain mein nhi milegi? Ye kapda white cotton mein nhi aata?”

“Ye kurta thoda simple nhi milega”

“Theek hai, 300 nhi to 500 tak mein dikha dijiye”

And with all the above criteria, my search rarely returned anything. You see, even at the age of 14, without much exposure to media/foreign brands I had an inherent inclination towards simple plain comfortable clothes – the ones which you see stocked in brands like Benetton or Forever 21 these days. I was looking for something which didn’t exist in my world, I didn’t know what was it called. You see I had the taste, but there was no dish!

As a result I spent most of my teenage, literally abstaining from focussing on my looks or the way girls dress up. I kept a minimal wardrobe and focussed on my studies. I mean what was the point. What I wanted was just not out there.

Few years forward, when 1990s had passed and Baby Boomers had saved enough and disposable incomes in general starting rising, I started shopping from stores like Koutons during their sale season. There were the glory of soft comfortable jeans with sober colors and sober ranges. There I could find my comfortable full sleeve plain white tees. Oh what a heaven! Well I completed my education, started earning well, got opportunities to develop my taste, visit places and the journey has been only upwards from there.

But this blog is neither a nostalgic outpour about my teenage nor an ode to my choice of clothes. It is about what to do when you feel so ready for something, when you can it almost see it in your mind but it just won’t manifest for you. When you have a very clear idea of what you are looking for, but nothing seems to fit the description. When looking hard and getting stressed just doesn’t help!

Do you abstain and focus on other areas (like I did) and let universe decide when is the right time for you to get your wish? Or do you adjust and lower your standards and just do what other around you are doing? Can do the latter, but just that, we are never as good as aping the others. We can ape the actions, but it is only our vision which can only truly guide us.

I don’t know what your answer would be, but I till this day suffer from the same symptoms as clothes shopping when I look for a choice of career or a life partner or a place to live.

Perfectionism can be managed, but not really cured.

P.S. To this day, amongst my peer group, am known as one of the most well-dressed person. I take pride in my choices, know what I want, and thankfully am able to manifest what I have in mind.

P.P.S I have grown bored of shopping and expensive brands now, and am moving towards minimalistic wardrobe again, a true full circle of life this time.

Day 1

Day 1: 31^st May 2016

I had called in sick in office. I woke up and I was exhausted. It was only yesterday that a person I cared for had bothered to travel to my city and make dinner plans despite of all the other pressing concerns. Somebody who held your hand all the while, looked up to you with concerned eyes, had the admiration to hug you on street, treat you no less than you should be, and I could not accept any of that. Venting out personal issues is one thing, losing control completely and drowning other person in your problems, making him responsible for the source and the solution is just too much. No wonder I burn away people. I woke up exhausted, and I knew I was not well. Mentally this time.

This idea had been in my head for over a year now, the impulsiveness which was once cool and audacious was turning to harm me more and more. I was incapable of holding on to one thing, and focus my energies in one thing productive. I was disturbed, and I could list 10 reasons for being disturbed. But I had lived with myself long enough to know that these were all triggers, and my issues were more internal, more deep seated. I had spent last weekend browsing for some therapists in India and shortlisted 2 of them. Some online research told me that it was okay to go therapist shopping, as in try a few before you decide with whom you want to progress with.

While I did fix one appointment for the week ahead on skype with a renowned psychiatrist, I happened to find another good reference nearby home also; and I just thought of counselling him as well, as I was anyhow taking the day off. The other appointment was anyway 7 days away.

I talked for about an hour. First of all from all the reviews about the state of therapists in India, I was not expecting the guy to spend so much time on me. But well he did. I started with a vague description of my life, and the narrative which I tell myself mostly, I spewed out in front of him as well. Well it was obvious, from his questions, when he asked some questions, I could see he was trying to fit me in some pre-defined condition, but I gave him the benefit of doubt and agreed to do it his way.

If I go back to my first session, I think I was desperately looking for some answers, or some validation. I asked him, do you really think I have some real issue, or am I just too lazy and weak to deal with real life. He said peace and understanding comes later in life at probably 35-40 years of age, but it is beneficial to sometimes outsource that process and spend your time on more productive things rather than delay the process. He said he can help me see light. I find it hard to believe. At present people around me are focusing on career, getting married, making plans; I at some level have decided that I need to take away this crippling thing for once and for all first.

For the majority of the past decade, I have been living with a sense of inadequacy and gloom and darkness and chronic anxiety. When I actually observed someone close in my life taking joy in little things, it was like a revelation to me, that life can be lived like this also. Yes am trying to learn to manage myself. I can go on and on, in this blog, but for me it is a big deal to be fit mentally! I have spent last year investing in physical fitness and the profound Impact it has on my quality of life can’t be put into words. May be just if I can mend this broken part of mine, I may have better and healthier relationships in my life and more satisfaction and motivation on a daily basis. I still do not know what the process or the end state of therapy would be like. But what I know is, it is time for personal investment and it is time for at least trying out taking help.

My psychiatrist has given me some homework which involves reading on some mental conditions and watching some movies. He says 3-4 sessions should be all. I have no idea how this path would proceed and where would I be when I come out of it. But with all the pain, wisdom, maturity and self-awareness I have gathered in the past 26 years I think it is time now to face oneself and cut the bullshit. 

If even one single person benefits at any level from this blog or my experience, I would consider myself blessed to have gone through this mess. Take care!