Floating in the sea

 Change is the only constant they say

What are we doing, here if not floating in a sea
We think and think and think, we do and do, and try and do
At the mercy of currents, of the mercy of the flow of life…
What are we doing here, if not floating in a sea

Looking for floats, looking for anchors,
From one to the other, the other to another

Excited on crossing every wave,
Every storm, making it to the clear skies

Proud, sad, tired, week, happy, lost,
Dreaded, relaxed, excited, confused, mad, obvious
What are we doing here, if not floating in a sea

We find communities, lovers, jobs, hobbies, recipes to mind our time
We think the float and journey will be from one beautiful island to another

We pick and choose and decide what we think and think and think
We try and do and try and do next time,
At the mercy of my will, at the mercy of my mood …
Tell me what are we doing here, if not floating in the sea

We look for anchor, we look for the destination,
What if the sea itself is the anchor,
What if that destination we seek, is an entry into another sea, as we keep floating
At the mercy of winds, mermaids, rains…
Some seek adventure in the waves, others in the sunshine, others just let the journey be
Tell me what the hell are we doing here, if not floating in the sea

Change is the only constant they say.

It changes people, relationships, needs, desires, aspiration, status, love, cravings, drive, health, status, from one level to the other.

People come and go, and we feel our anchors losing, jobs change and we fill our identity's changing, economies, business models change, and we feel our ground moving.

And when nothing is changing, we change our perceptions, needs, desires, demons, angels…they all change.

Looking for the anchors elsewhere I realize, I am the anchor. I am all which my soul has got, rest I have no idea no control no visibility over.I am just floating, trying way too hard for way too much…so many games to play…. I'm floating. But only if I weren't so tired, only if I could be with the one whose presence envelops me, protects me, touches me…all gone you know why?

Because change is the only constant they say

I Wonder

I wonder what you do on Sunday afternoons now,

wonder are you still toying with that vegan idea

did you get that dog,

did you get everything you said you gonna get,

does it feel like you thought it would,

does it feel better?

I wonder who you talk to now

wonder if you think of me

I wonder who makes your coffee for you

I wonder if you shop anything new

I wonder if someone else wonders the same for you

I wonder if these thoughts come from curiosity,

or that I still care for you,

I know I expect nothing,

but I wonder if my words are true

do you still sleep at 9.30, do you still struggle with laundry, do you miss mom,
do you ever feel alone?

I wonder what future you are planning in these days of rest,
I am sure it's a perfect picture
I know am not in it, I wonder exactly how much is that I have lost,

I wonder how much will I recover

I wonder when would you find love again,

I know we all do,

I wonder where will I be then,

there was nothing anyone of us could do…

Dear society, I have achieved the ultimate Indian upper middle class dream.

Dear society, I have achieved the ultimate Indian upper middle class dream.

Can you tell me what next?
Because you know what I miss here?
I miss the small cost at which the happiness used to come

I was elated once on being able to buy a simple white tee
Was exhilarated the first time I cut, curled, straightened, styled my hair
the first dress I bought, the rush of sporting it on a flat stomach
Done that

Was elated with the rush when my crush first responded to me
and then at every step when the partnership grew to a new dimension
the butterflies, the violins, the rainbows, the rock bottoms
Have toured them all

The first taste of professional success and recognition
From the struggle and a sense of being lost,
to a professional with a trust in her own abilities
From being shaken at every small change of tone,
to actually riding the corporate ups and down with an utter sense of passiveness
Been on that ride

I don’t miss the happiness of a simple home cooked meal
Have spent way too much time eating home food
I don’t miss family, I don’t miss friends
I don’t miss privacy, neither do I miss warmth
I don’t miss the rush of that coffee, or that drink or that café, or that cuisine
Damn have eaten them all

I don’t miss depth of thoughts, or intensity of emotion
I have experienced the depravities and games of mind,
I know all the dark corners all too well
I crave neither the intellectual literature or the simulating erotica
Bloody, have thought of them all

I have bought as much as much I had needed, have traveled as much as I required till now. I have played the role of the educated working daughter, successfully coupled with very dramatic existential swings. I have spent enough money and energy on food, clothes, cabs and relationships.

Dear society, can you please tell me now, what next?
Because you know what I miss here?
I miss the small cost at which the happiness used to come….

Having it all

Its called having it all.

Mehnaz comes in the morning, she makes brown rice and protein packed meals for the day

Sonia follows her, and ensures the room, kitchen, balcony, stair are clean, in that order

Once in a while she asks me to recharge her phone using paytm

She knows when to ask me to let her browse Amazon for the black and golden suit design

And the other times, she just chats with me in our native rajasthani language.

Its called having it all.

I spend 3 evenings a week with Imran

He trains me to do deadlifts, box jumps and whatever he seems fit to put me through for an hour

He counts repetitions on my behalf, helps me stretch, is my conscience when am not on track.

And the other times, he just tells me stories of how he mended his impaired knee himself

Its called having it all.

I am tired and thirsty. I tap at my phone browsing through innumerable options in Phase 4 and around.

Prateek delivered this cold pressed juice bottle to me within 30 minutes.

It has Egyptian Oranges, Green Apple, Ginger, Lemon and Chia seeds, and organic beetroot.

The juice is in a glass bottle, not plastic. I don’t know from where they procured it all. But,

Its called having it all.

The other day, Rinkachon came to my house. She is from Manipur, she is excellent in acupressure.

She learnt it from mother, who learnt from her mother in her village.

Without any formal training, Rinkachon is brilliant. She is a 5 star Thai therapist with urban clap.

She brought at her own equipment, asked me how I was. The app even gave a Rs 200 cashback.

Rinkachon lives in sikandarpur. She was too nice and talented.

Its called having it all.

I sit on a Saturday, tapping at my phone.

On one app am buying the grocery list on big basket, which my mother texted me on watsap.

I wonder if Yellow Lizol is better than Purple, while I select the organic urad daal

Meanwhile another app is open, it shows me the options for treks in Nepal.

I wonder if gifting an automatic washing machine on Diwali could make up for me being away from home, while I sip on the organic cold pressed juice and swipe my Instagram where people have liked my healthy breakfast bowl, and Buddha Bowl pics

Its called having it all.

Latika is my personal shopper with fable street. She helps me pick my colors and fabrics and stays in touch on whatsap to maintain my office wardrobe.

She is absolutely brilliant. I have never had to shop again in a crowded mall, since I have met her.

This is how having it all looks.

I am not sure what exactly we have done as a generation, to deserve so much privilege and comfort in our lives. Maybe we are just at the right place and right time in the history. As I consciously keep myself away from consuming goods, I just can’t help consuming all these services, so readily available. I am not sure, for a  working class Indian, if there is a better place to be right now, than India.

I also can’t help wonder, what next. This is where the service class peaks. How do we strike the balance in producing more than we are consuming.

I also can’t help wonder about Sonia, Mehnaz, Rinkachon and Prateek….what is this whole servant class which has emerged so dramatically to provide me all these services…what have I doen to deserve this.

We are without any doubt, the most served generation in the history. The generation who does, have it all.

Love me like you do

When I was a young girl, my parents would take me shopping.

The doting parents they are, they would take me to the best shops they could afford or were aware of. Mom would spend hours with me scanning the markets in Karol Bagh to buy clothes which would make me happy. Dad would always be ready to stretch his budget to get the best deal for me. In days where there were no metros/malls, and traveling distances wasn’t really a thing, they would spend weekends figuring out how to shop in Sarojini Nagar, Janpath, even Kamla Market and all the popular places they had heard young Delhi girls shop for the best deal.

And nothing.

After all the efforts they would put for my shopping, I would often return empty handed, tired, irritated, stressed and with nothing.

“Isko kuch pasand hi nhi aata”

“Pata nhi kya chahiye ise”

“Ladki ne paresan rakha hai, pata nhi kesi pasand hai”

Maybe something was wrong with me, maybe I was a painful child, I would wonder. Everyone else seems to be happy with their wardrobe and looking fine, why can’t I decide on something.

“Uncle ye teeshirt plain mein nhi milegi? Ye kapda white cotton mein nhi aata?”

“Ye kurta thoda simple nhi milega”

“Theek hai, 300 nhi to 500 tak mein dikha dijiye”

And with all the above criteria, my search rarely returned anything. You see, even at the age of 14, without much exposure to media/foreign brands I had an inherent inclination towards simple plain comfortable clothes – the ones which you see stocked in brands like Benetton or Forever 21 these days. I was looking for something which didn’t exist in my world, I didn’t know what was it called. You see I had the taste, but there was no dish!

As a result I spent most of my teenage, literally abstaining from focussing on my looks or the way girls dress up. I kept a minimal wardrobe and focussed on my studies. I mean what was the point. What I wanted was just not out there.

Few years forward, when 1990s had passed and Baby Boomers had saved enough and disposable incomes in general starting rising, I started shopping from stores like Koutons during their sale season. There were the glory of soft comfortable jeans with sober colors and sober ranges. There I could find my comfortable full sleeve plain white tees. Oh what a heaven! Well I completed my education, started earning well, got opportunities to develop my taste, visit places and the journey has been only upwards from there.

But this blog is neither a nostalgic outpour about my teenage nor an ode to my choice of clothes. It is about what to do when you feel so ready for something, when you can it almost see it in your mind but it just won’t manifest for you. When you have a very clear idea of what you are looking for, but nothing seems to fit the description. When looking hard and getting stressed just doesn’t help!

Do you abstain and focus on other areas (like I did) and let universe decide when is the right time for you to get your wish? Or do you adjust and lower your standards and just do what other around you are doing? Can do the latter, but just that, we are never as good as aping the others. We can ape the actions, but it is only our vision which can only truly guide us.

I don’t know what your answer would be, but I till this day suffer from the same symptoms as clothes shopping when I look for a choice of career or a life partner or a place to live.

Perfectionism can be managed, but not really cured.

P.S. To this day, amongst my peer group, am known as one of the most well-dressed person. I take pride in my choices, know what I want, and thankfully am able to manifest what I have in mind.

P.P.S I have grown bored of shopping and expensive brands now, and am moving towards minimalistic wardrobe again, a true full circle of life this time.

Day 1

Day 1: 31^st May 2016

I had called in sick in office. I woke up and I was exhausted. It was only yesterday that a person I cared for had bothered to travel to my city and make dinner plans despite of all the other pressing concerns. Somebody who held your hand all the while, looked up to you with concerned eyes, had the admiration to hug you on street, treat you no less than you should be, and I could not accept any of that. Venting out personal issues is one thing, losing control completely and drowning other person in your problems, making him responsible for the source and the solution is just too much. No wonder I burn away people. I woke up exhausted, and I knew I was not well. Mentally this time.

This idea had been in my head for over a year now, the impulsiveness which was once cool and audacious was turning to harm me more and more. I was incapable of holding on to one thing, and focus my energies in one thing productive. I was disturbed, and I could list 10 reasons for being disturbed. But I had lived with myself long enough to know that these were all triggers, and my issues were more internal, more deep seated. I had spent last weekend browsing for some therapists in India and shortlisted 2 of them. Some online research told me that it was okay to go therapist shopping, as in try a few before you decide with whom you want to progress with.

While I did fix one appointment for the week ahead on skype with a renowned psychiatrist, I happened to find another good reference nearby home also; and I just thought of counselling him as well, as I was anyhow taking the day off. The other appointment was anyway 7 days away.

I talked for about an hour. First of all from all the reviews about the state of therapists in India, I was not expecting the guy to spend so much time on me. But well he did. I started with a vague description of my life, and the narrative which I tell myself mostly, I spewed out in front of him as well. Well it was obvious, from his questions, when he asked some questions, I could see he was trying to fit me in some pre-defined condition, but I gave him the benefit of doubt and agreed to do it his way.

If I go back to my first session, I think I was desperately looking for some answers, or some validation. I asked him, do you really think I have some real issue, or am I just too lazy and weak to deal with real life. He said peace and understanding comes later in life at probably 35-40 years of age, but it is beneficial to sometimes outsource that process and spend your time on more productive things rather than delay the process. He said he can help me see light. I find it hard to believe. At present people around me are focusing on career, getting married, making plans; I at some level have decided that I need to take away this crippling thing for once and for all first.

For the majority of the past decade, I have been living with a sense of inadequacy and gloom and darkness and chronic anxiety. When I actually observed someone close in my life taking joy in little things, it was like a revelation to me, that life can be lived like this also. Yes am trying to learn to manage myself. I can go on and on, in this blog, but for me it is a big deal to be fit mentally! I have spent last year investing in physical fitness and the profound Impact it has on my quality of life can’t be put into words. May be just if I can mend this broken part of mine, I may have better and healthier relationships in my life and more satisfaction and motivation on a daily basis. I still do not know what the process or the end state of therapy would be like. But what I know is, it is time for personal investment and it is time for at least trying out taking help.

My psychiatrist has given me some homework which involves reading on some mental conditions and watching some movies. He says 3-4 sessions should be all. I have no idea how this path would proceed and where would I be when I come out of it. But with all the pain, wisdom, maturity and self-awareness I have gathered in the past 26 years I think it is time now to face oneself and cut the bullshit. 

If even one single person benefits at any level from this blog or my experience, I would consider myself blessed to have gone through this mess. Take care!

Sex and the city: “Why women need men to tell them what to do”

-Inspired from Candance Bushnell,with love for Carrie Bradshaw

Ah yes. Why indeed. Let me tell you the story of an average healthy person Mr. B

Day 1-5: It is Day 1, and Mr. B is getting ready to get shit done. You know, do stuff, get chores done, move ahead in life, blah blah. All geared up to do that, just that the stomach cramps would not stop, the back pain would not let him breathe and the legs are numb! But this person is wise enough and has learnt to exercise regularly, and monitor salts intake to manage the discomfort, but only if he could lie down a bit. Well, the world can wait 4-5 days! Working on low efficiency is one thing, binge eating is another. Now Mr. B, who strives to stay healthy, cannot stop this urge to eat deep fried and absolute junk during these days. Research says, this hormonal lead binge eating would actually cause him to age faster. But then, this person has no one to tell him that. So he eats whatever his body asks for, hungrily. Better days would come obviously.

Day 6-14: Now, the major part of the month when Mr. B is physically fit to get shit done. This is the part where hormones called estrogen and testosterone start rising, I mean really rising. And Mr. B catches himself day dreaming about intense sexual activity and is at the peak of heightened libido. Barely a week after the physical discomfort got over, the bitch called ovulation has kicked in, heightening the sexual needs of Mr. B. As if he did not have enough to deal with. Lying in bed, sleeping an extra hour, he marks his calendar, and waits for this time and his illogical libido to pass as well. Changing the world can wait. Need to deal with the testosterone first!

Day 14-25: Aha! Thinks a perfectly ovulated Mr. B. Experience and reading has taught him that this is the window when those extra interfering hormones would flush out of his system and he can live a normal, non-interrupted life! Way to go! Only now, the progesterone starts kicking in and will keep on going for the next 2 weeks. Everything seems to be going well just that he doesn’t feel so good about himself….flushing out of hormones perhaps. Anxiety, panic attacks, crying fits, depression, tiredness, headaches, irritable bowel syndrome, constipation....over 150 symptoms which can be attributed to this flushing out of hormones and the situation labeled as PMS.  Mr. B gets to work, managing, ignoring the crazy emotions; he needs to get ahead in the world after all, doesn’t he!

Day 25-28: The height of PMS, and the internal blood linings are putting pressure on the nerve endings causing Mr. B to feel depressed and aroused simultaneously! Mr. B ends up feeling like shit and sexy both at the same time! He will wait for this to pass as well, telling himself he isn’t actually so bad, this is just PMS, and would look forward to now to the phase of physical discomfort again, just so that he can get rid of his crazy hormones and get some work done!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Only, Mr. B is not a mister and is a female by the grace of Mother Nature. Emotions are supposed to be an internal guidance system to lead us to the right path and good things in life. Mr. B flushed so incessantly, so regularly by unwanted hormones struggles to get a grip on emotions every week to get shit done. How reliable are these hormone driven emotions of libido, self worth and righteousness are? How just are these in letting Mr. B have a right view of the world and take objective decisions? 

Nature has designed Mr. B it seems to grow eventually into a superhuman. Because only a superhuman can manage such eccentric phases and still stay on track in life. It is either a choice to manage it all and grow into a superhuman, or just put up with the flushing and stay mediocre.

B doesn’t want to be a superhuman! She just wants to be a human, just throw in some men to tell B what to do. Greatness can wait.