Day 1

Day 1: 31^st May 2016

I had called in sick in office. I woke up and I was exhausted. It was only yesterday that a person I cared for had bothered to travel to my city and make dinner plans despite of all the other pressing concerns. Somebody who held your hand all the while, looked up to you with concerned eyes, had the admiration to hug you on street, treat you no less than you should be, and I could not accept any of that. Venting out personal issues is one thing, losing control completely and drowning other person in your problems, making him responsible for the source and the solution is just too much. No wonder I burn away people. I woke up exhausted, and I knew I was not well. Mentally this time.

This idea had been in my head for over a year now, the impulsiveness which was once cool and audacious was turning to harm me more and more. I was incapable of holding on to one thing, and focus my energies in one thing productive. I was disturbed, and I could list 10 reasons for being disturbed. But I had lived with myself long enough to know that these were all triggers, and my issues were more internal, more deep seated. I had spent last weekend browsing for some therapists in India and shortlisted 2 of them. Some online research told me that it was okay to go therapist shopping, as in try a few before you decide with whom you want to progress with.

While I did fix one appointment for the week ahead on skype with a renowned psychiatrist, I happened to find another good reference nearby home also; and I just thought of counselling him as well, as I was anyhow taking the day off. The other appointment was anyway 7 days away.

I talked for about an hour. First of all from all the reviews about the state of therapists in India, I was not expecting the guy to spend so much time on me. But well he did. I started with a vague description of my life, and the narrative which I tell myself mostly, I spewed out in front of him as well. Well it was obvious, from his questions, when he asked some questions, I could see he was trying to fit me in some pre-defined condition, but I gave him the benefit of doubt and agreed to do it his way.

If I go back to my first session, I think I was desperately looking for some answers, or some validation. I asked him, do you really think I have some real issue, or am I just too lazy and weak to deal with real life. He said peace and understanding comes later in life at probably 35-40 years of age, but it is beneficial to sometimes outsource that process and spend your time on more productive things rather than delay the process. He said he can help me see light. I find it hard to believe. At present people around me are focusing on career, getting married, making plans; I at some level have decided that I need to take away this crippling thing for once and for all first.

For the majority of the past decade, I have been living with a sense of inadequacy and gloom and darkness and chronic anxiety. When I actually observed someone close in my life taking joy in little things, it was like a revelation to me, that life can be lived like this also. Yes am trying to learn to manage myself. I can go on and on, in this blog, but for me it is a big deal to be fit mentally! I have spent last year investing in physical fitness and the profound Impact it has on my quality of life can’t be put into words. May be just if I can mend this broken part of mine, I may have better and healthier relationships in my life and more satisfaction and motivation on a daily basis. I still do not know what the process or the end state of therapy would be like. But what I know is, it is time for personal investment and it is time for at least trying out taking help.

My psychiatrist has given me some homework which involves reading on some mental conditions and watching some movies. He says 3-4 sessions should be all. I have no idea how this path would proceed and where would I be when I come out of it. But with all the pain, wisdom, maturity and self-awareness I have gathered in the past 26 years I think it is time now to face oneself and cut the bullshit. 

If even one single person benefits at any level from this blog or my experience, I would consider myself blessed to have gone through this mess. Take care!