Satan's Fall

Some glorious, some petty, some non-descript, some routine, some exceptional. Few make history by being wronged. Some people’s lives are highlighted by the loss they have incurred in life. The Heroic Victims.

I normally believe in measuring the experiences by their intensity, not by their goodness. The extreme, the better, the more real it is. Some people are gloriously ruined and for good or worse, that’s the only thing, which happens to them all through their lives. Hence I am glad to have the rich experience when you broke my heart. For starters, there was physical pain, real pain in the muscles, which would make me clutch my chest and worry if I would get a heart attack. This is the kind of pain one only hears or reads about. I myself never expected to experience such pain myself, least of all survive it. It was the most intimate, most raw, most real pain, at a whole different level of depth – all thanks to you. Never have I felt so close to you as during that pain. I am thankful that it’s a memory now, but I would not trade it for anything else, even for you. Your love never consumed me like that pain did. If reality and intensity is the metric, that pain was perhaps the best thing that had happened to me in our relationship. Yes, I treasure it and would not change it for the world.

Then for the first time I prayed to God. You know, eyes closed, hands folded, earnest prayer for it to stop. I don’t think I have prayed so earnestly, or at all for anything in life, blessed I have been. Another new profound experience of placing your faith outside yourself and asking for strength or mercy in any order they wish to come. You pray because you can see the damage happening and somewhere you hope that it can stop and you can still be saved. But Satan’s fall doesn’t stop so soon, does it.

You fall more, deeper, more into the darkness, in the blurr, in the confusion. This is where you feel the anchors loosing, the ties from realities breaking. This is when you can’t get up from bed, or this is where you can’t sleep anymore. I have had days when I could not get out of my bed earlier as well, but this was way more intense, almost to the limit that it qualifies for being braggable. Never took a sleeping pill before, another first of ours. Alprax .25 its called and they would not give it more without prescription. The 2 of them, which I could get, hold of. I still remember how I would look forward to having them and ease off my consciousness. The frantic search at retail and online pharmacies to get it. Yes it was another world you showed me, which I didn’t know existed. Yes I was touched in all the new ways, deeper than ever before. Cigarettes replaced sleeping pills and anti depressants, where I would puff them till I get a headache. Where it was 10 am in the morning, and I knew I needed a cigarette to get through my day.

You do all this and still wish it would go away but the reality stays and you keep falling, reaching the next stop: The rock bottom. When you know you are over, when you know everything is lost and you would have to restart. It’s a good place to be, the rock bottom, just that it was so bloody cold. I remember using blankets to sleep at night in what you would call a summer season. Cold such biting I started wearing sweaters around, in the sun yes. You have had me sweating, its only natural you take me to the other end of the Kelvin scale. The Satan’s fall stops at the rock bottom. You reach here tired and hurt and you stay here till, well till frankly you get bored of it. And that’s what it takes to realize the power of choice and of letting go and of inner peace and of patience and all that Jing bang you thought was shit and irrelevant for your age. This is where you realize you have grown years. This is where it clicks. And this is where you realize that it was the best birthday gift for a 26 year old ever possible. And this is when you say thank you and move on.